Post by bert on Oct 29, 2021 19:24:57 GMT -5
Who the fuck makes an entire room on a boat just for engines anyway?
Bert slunk in, Ahmya in tow after they failed to decide on who to keep watch and then settled upon agreeing that they could mutually just subdue anyone who would come in to stop them. Bert had grown up on the CA coast and as such was very sort of a little knowledgeable about boats. Or at least, he knew what his mom would do to cripple his dad’s boat when they were fighting.
Couldn’t be that much different on this thing right?
“Alright yo..just gotta find a distributor cap…” he trailed off, looking at the multiple giant diesel engines “Or like...a hundred.” He turned to her, digging into his hoodie pocket and producing a crude drawing of one, handing it to the gorgeous Mrs McAlroy along with her ski mask before pulling his on “Alright, yo. Here we go. First official act of Piracy. You ready, babe?”
Putting the ski mask on, it took Nao a moment to get it right and be able to see. Once settled, she took a good look at the drawing and then back at Bert. “I thought our first act of piracy was when we took Brenda’s roku tv thingy without her knowing because it’s better for her and the roku.” Tapping the picture she smiles. “Either way I’m ready to find this thing!”
“Well, thats a different kind of piracy, yo. This is old school seven seas piracy..” he froze “Er..Six. Six seas. No one counts the dead sea, don’t trip.” he smiled and gave her a quick hug, handing her the extra radio “Let me know if you need help. You head to that side, i’ll search this side. Only use the walkie if you need to. I love you, Yarr matey let's do this shit!” and with that, Bert turned and triumphantly walked toward the nearest diesel, but not without bashing his knee on a random piece of railing.
“BITCH!!” he yelled, hopping on one foot now. Ahmya was quick to rush and check on him, lifting her mask a second to show her concern. Once she got enough of an okay, she slowly went back to her search? “Okay honey, so I go here and there, then get lost and call for help? I just want to make sure one more time.”
“Yeah, that’s the plan…” he trailed off, before shaking his head “Okay, that plan sucks. Lets just stick together and handle this.” he smiled and took her hand before trying to cover the limp as his knee still screamed in pain, shining his phone’s flashlight around looking for the part in question. The mission, however, didn’t stop him from talking with her. Why should it? She was his person after all.
“You ever been on a boat before today, doll? It’s been awhile for me...kinda missed itt.” Looking around for the part she may or may not have forgotten about, Ahmya mulls over the question. “I don’t know if I have, Robert. If I have, it has probably been a while too. It’s really nice here. I like food and the water.. is that it there?” His eyes followed her flashlight. He smiled and shook his head.
“That’s...uh..That’s a doorknob, sweetheart..” he patted her back “Good try though..” he kept the search up, walking in time with her as the silence served to warm him up. The radio chattered with some inane talk from his teammates but he kept it mostly out of his head, trying to focus on the task at hand. Which was a smaller tast compared to everything else in front of him, namely the match.
“I need to quit signing up for dumb stuff like this, and Youtube TV yo..” he mused “I don’t even know the people i’m teaming with outside of Matt likes the old one and the pretty boy is trying to retire him, and the chick who made the posters and decided we’re taking this ship dated Vee and the other guy probably has his own boat filled with cocaine and stolen artifacts from ancient ruins..” he trailed off “There it is!”
Bright red, and way bigger than what he was used to.
Phrasing.
Bert bounded over, and quickly realized his plan wasn’t going to work. He pulled the small philips head screwdriver from his pocket, and still tested the oversized bolts however but, nope. This was a bust “Shit.” he murmured, then shrugged and produced his pocket knife “Plan Z yo!” he took to cutting anything rubber and thin. His hands soon covered in fuel, oil, and whatever else. Quickly rubbed off on his hoodie. He peered over his shoulder at her a moment, and smiled.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re the prettiest pirate on the 7 seas, yo?” Ahmya smiled for a second before she absorbed everything. “Wait a minute.. I thought you said there were 6 seas.. also I like the youtube tv. I watch videos on video games and games I don’t understand. I think I have an idea on how to get this. 父は私にクマを手に入れるには物事を壊さなければならないことを教えてくれました!” Suddenly she started grabbing what she could and throwing.
“Hell yeah! Fuck boats!” Ever the over-exuberant Bert turned and superkicked a random part loose from the engine. The two continued their terrible work until apparently it began to take affect, and the great lurch of the boat sent them tumbling into one another. He wrapped his arms around her instinctively as they fell to the floor, then began laughing “YEAH BITCH!!” he declared at their victory before turning to her and kissing the top of her head through the ski masks “We’re BAD ASS at being pirates!!”
It wa then that the Walkie Talkie began making the most lewd noises. Bruce McLeod had mistakenly tapped into the porn site he caught someone watching while incapacitating them, and with the wrong keystroke suddenly broadcast the scene over all frequencies. Bert froze in place with her in his arms until the sound was cut off, followed by a “Apologies!” from Wrestle Da. Bert was rigid, staring up at the dark ceiling and shaking is head.
“Man…” he lifted the radio, pressing the button “You’re lucky it aint a hashtag modest McAlroy Monday, yo!!” he declared before releasing the button and dropping the radio. All she could do was shake her head and giggle, a bit of color showing. “Your new partners are funny. I hope we get to be pirates even after all this.. and that we can still be partners too even with your other ones around now.” Bert scoffed.
“They’re not my partners...I’m just here for the buffet, and to fight some people who don’t want my head…” he sat up slowly, rubbing the back of his head “Come on. Lets go hit the buffet before they move all the food to cold storage.”
[O REC]
“So what do you get when you pack a big boat with a bunch of bigger egos and say its for charity?” the camera cut on to reveal our hero, the Last Acton Stoner Robert James “Bert” McAlroy III seated on the deck of a cruise ship. Not the right one, as this was recorded weeks ago but still, gotta keep the aesthetic amirite?
“Not much.” he was adorned in his full ring get up, perfect for sunning. Right down to the face paint and abundance of hairgel for the sparse blonde hair upon his head.”I mean, we got Brandon Hendrix and his loaded diaper,, Robi and her Bicycle club, the daughter of the queen of another Bicycle Enthusiast group, some other people who I don’t know but probably wouldn’t like..”
A smirk, a shrug.
“But most of these people don’t matter, yo. Honestly, none of them do. Not even the people I’m teaming with, or the ones i’m going to be fighting. What matters is the money all these egos draw. The little bit of good our shitiness can do through charity. So hey, props to Tara Fenix. Sorry about it becoming the ATara Fenix charity orgy boat though, yo...you’ll understand soon enough.” he cringed at the joke, but Atara’s cash app had cleared so, here he was.
“So, i’m part of an elite team of Skanks as the modest mouse. Pretty fitting in a lot of ways. I’m about the unsexiest motherfucker on twitter, hell, I started a hashtag just to poke fun at all of you half nude attention seeking fucks. Honestly, if this were a creative writing game in some alternate universe, i’m sure most of you would be the size of a Honda with a beard that grew only from your neck and a reddit account.”
A cheeky wink, the fourth wall cringes.
“So. Team Atara. The Sweaty Wrath of the Seven Seas. You got the Silver Scot, Wrestle Da. Toughest guy in the world but no one ever gives him credit. All we ever give a fuck about is the here and now...kinda pathetic, ain’t it? Man could knock out a thousand people, but if he doesn’t have anything shiny around his wasit he’s just...blah, right?” Robert shook his head, swinging his legs over the side of the chair he was in and leaned forward, taking a moment to compose his thoughts.
“Then there’s Sebastian Everett Bryce Kardashian West The Third Junior Esquire Part IV. Pretty boy ringer when Dolly Waters had to bow out. I don’t know much about him aside from he likes to ‘smolder’ and I got no idea what the fuck that is, but it seemed to get our team captain slicked up enough to recruit him so I hope he can fight as well as he poses for a selfie. Thankfully, there won’t be any Johnny Blowjobber clients around to strip him of any titles--” a pause, a sheepish grin “Sorry Seb, Knox venmo’d me 50 bucks to take a cheap shot..”
“And there’s the next point, before I go over the other two...I can’t wait to sit down and skip over everyone making the connection between me and Knox..especially the world’s mouthiest sidekick in Blah Snorestein. We get it. You won a battle royale once. That’s super cool dude. Righteous. What have you done since, aside from come up in conversations that were about your team captain?”
“Make no mistake, Knox is my friend. He did train me. But we ain’t the same, yo. Not even in the same zip code. I’m younger, tougher, smarter, better looking and got no qualms about biting an ear off like tyson--and yours are big enough to be gettin ESPN. So on god, i’m lookin forward the most ot tangling with your trailer park to talent trailer lookin’ ass. I just hope Batman doesn’t get too mad when I leave his Robin in traction.”
He stood from the boat then, leaning over the rail and staring out at the endless pacific.
“James Raven, the Goat. The Other other Captain. Different but the same as mine. Whereas Atara and her…” he furrowed his brow “Proclivity for displays of sexuality are brazen. You tend to be a little more subtle, letting Betsy and the other simps post the same picture of your flabs for the world to see. But there’s no denying the track record, there’s no denying the skill the ‘Legacy’..” he turned back to the camera, smirking “See what I did there?”
“But this whole ‘Peoples Goat’ schtick..it wears thin, dude...so thin. Because the people are the same five or six. From what i’ve seen? You’re great, but not all time. Last relevant thing you did was give yourself a title shot from a cushy GM position and then...the company yeeted you and closed its doors. I think Tony mentioned how it bombed the ratings and the public image but, fuck do i know...I was admittedly blazed.”
“Then we got Corey Black and Vhodka Black...uh...nice to see you guys here, I guess?”
Bert ran a hand through his hair, chuckling as he began pacing toward the stairs, the camera following him “Look, I can’t front yo. I hopped into this because I wanted to go on a boat with my Fiance and maybe fight some people I never got the opportunity to.and may never again. Day after the fight, win lose or draw? It’s not gonna weigh me down too much. I’ll go back to Level Up, be a double Champ to people who matter to me and time will indeed march on.”
He paused, turning at the top of the stairs and outstretching his arms
“If anyone has an issue with the shit I said though, and you don’t feel satisfied with whatever you do when we tangle in the ring though? I just gave you my forwarding address. Ain’t a one of you, my side of the ring or the other, or anywhere on this boat that I’ll shy away from. Might be plenty of dudes look like me, plenty of dudes I remind you of but you ain’t never faced one like me, yo.”
“So in the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington…”
“I’M ON A BOAT!!”
The feed cuts
Bert slunk in, Ahmya in tow after they failed to decide on who to keep watch and then settled upon agreeing that they could mutually just subdue anyone who would come in to stop them. Bert had grown up on the CA coast and as such was very sort of a little knowledgeable about boats. Or at least, he knew what his mom would do to cripple his dad’s boat when they were fighting.
Couldn’t be that much different on this thing right?
“Alright yo..just gotta find a distributor cap…” he trailed off, looking at the multiple giant diesel engines “Or like...a hundred.” He turned to her, digging into his hoodie pocket and producing a crude drawing of one, handing it to the gorgeous Mrs McAlroy along with her ski mask before pulling his on “Alright, yo. Here we go. First official act of Piracy. You ready, babe?”
Putting the ski mask on, it took Nao a moment to get it right and be able to see. Once settled, she took a good look at the drawing and then back at Bert. “I thought our first act of piracy was when we took Brenda’s roku tv thingy without her knowing because it’s better for her and the roku.” Tapping the picture she smiles. “Either way I’m ready to find this thing!”
“Well, thats a different kind of piracy, yo. This is old school seven seas piracy..” he froze “Er..Six. Six seas. No one counts the dead sea, don’t trip.” he smiled and gave her a quick hug, handing her the extra radio “Let me know if you need help. You head to that side, i’ll search this side. Only use the walkie if you need to. I love you, Yarr matey let's do this shit!” and with that, Bert turned and triumphantly walked toward the nearest diesel, but not without bashing his knee on a random piece of railing.
“BITCH!!” he yelled, hopping on one foot now. Ahmya was quick to rush and check on him, lifting her mask a second to show her concern. Once she got enough of an okay, she slowly went back to her search? “Okay honey, so I go here and there, then get lost and call for help? I just want to make sure one more time.”
“Yeah, that’s the plan…” he trailed off, before shaking his head “Okay, that plan sucks. Lets just stick together and handle this.” he smiled and took her hand before trying to cover the limp as his knee still screamed in pain, shining his phone’s flashlight around looking for the part in question. The mission, however, didn’t stop him from talking with her. Why should it? She was his person after all.
“You ever been on a boat before today, doll? It’s been awhile for me...kinda missed itt.” Looking around for the part she may or may not have forgotten about, Ahmya mulls over the question. “I don’t know if I have, Robert. If I have, it has probably been a while too. It’s really nice here. I like food and the water.. is that it there?” His eyes followed her flashlight. He smiled and shook his head.
“That’s...uh..That’s a doorknob, sweetheart..” he patted her back “Good try though..” he kept the search up, walking in time with her as the silence served to warm him up. The radio chattered with some inane talk from his teammates but he kept it mostly out of his head, trying to focus on the task at hand. Which was a smaller tast compared to everything else in front of him, namely the match.
“I need to quit signing up for dumb stuff like this, and Youtube TV yo..” he mused “I don’t even know the people i’m teaming with outside of Matt likes the old one and the pretty boy is trying to retire him, and the chick who made the posters and decided we’re taking this ship dated Vee and the other guy probably has his own boat filled with cocaine and stolen artifacts from ancient ruins..” he trailed off “There it is!”
Bright red, and way bigger than what he was used to.
Phrasing.
Bert bounded over, and quickly realized his plan wasn’t going to work. He pulled the small philips head screwdriver from his pocket, and still tested the oversized bolts however but, nope. This was a bust “Shit.” he murmured, then shrugged and produced his pocket knife “Plan Z yo!” he took to cutting anything rubber and thin. His hands soon covered in fuel, oil, and whatever else. Quickly rubbed off on his hoodie. He peered over his shoulder at her a moment, and smiled.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re the prettiest pirate on the 7 seas, yo?” Ahmya smiled for a second before she absorbed everything. “Wait a minute.. I thought you said there were 6 seas.. also I like the youtube tv. I watch videos on video games and games I don’t understand. I think I have an idea on how to get this. 父は私にクマを手に入れるには物事を壊さなければならないことを教えてくれました!” Suddenly she started grabbing what she could and throwing.
“Hell yeah! Fuck boats!” Ever the over-exuberant Bert turned and superkicked a random part loose from the engine. The two continued their terrible work until apparently it began to take affect, and the great lurch of the boat sent them tumbling into one another. He wrapped his arms around her instinctively as they fell to the floor, then began laughing “YEAH BITCH!!” he declared at their victory before turning to her and kissing the top of her head through the ski masks “We’re BAD ASS at being pirates!!”
It wa then that the Walkie Talkie began making the most lewd noises. Bruce McLeod had mistakenly tapped into the porn site he caught someone watching while incapacitating them, and with the wrong keystroke suddenly broadcast the scene over all frequencies. Bert froze in place with her in his arms until the sound was cut off, followed by a “Apologies!” from Wrestle Da. Bert was rigid, staring up at the dark ceiling and shaking is head.
“Man…” he lifted the radio, pressing the button “You’re lucky it aint a hashtag modest McAlroy Monday, yo!!” he declared before releasing the button and dropping the radio. All she could do was shake her head and giggle, a bit of color showing. “Your new partners are funny. I hope we get to be pirates even after all this.. and that we can still be partners too even with your other ones around now.” Bert scoffed.
“They’re not my partners...I’m just here for the buffet, and to fight some people who don’t want my head…” he sat up slowly, rubbing the back of his head “Come on. Lets go hit the buffet before they move all the food to cold storage.”
[O REC]
“So what do you get when you pack a big boat with a bunch of bigger egos and say its for charity?” the camera cut on to reveal our hero, the Last Acton Stoner Robert James “Bert” McAlroy III seated on the deck of a cruise ship. Not the right one, as this was recorded weeks ago but still, gotta keep the aesthetic amirite?
“Not much.” he was adorned in his full ring get up, perfect for sunning. Right down to the face paint and abundance of hairgel for the sparse blonde hair upon his head.”I mean, we got Brandon Hendrix and his loaded diaper,, Robi and her Bicycle club, the daughter of the queen of another Bicycle Enthusiast group, some other people who I don’t know but probably wouldn’t like..”
A smirk, a shrug.
“But most of these people don’t matter, yo. Honestly, none of them do. Not even the people I’m teaming with, or the ones i’m going to be fighting. What matters is the money all these egos draw. The little bit of good our shitiness can do through charity. So hey, props to Tara Fenix. Sorry about it becoming the ATara Fenix charity orgy boat though, yo...you’ll understand soon enough.” he cringed at the joke, but Atara’s cash app had cleared so, here he was.
“So, i’m part of an elite team of Skanks as the modest mouse. Pretty fitting in a lot of ways. I’m about the unsexiest motherfucker on twitter, hell, I started a hashtag just to poke fun at all of you half nude attention seeking fucks. Honestly, if this were a creative writing game in some alternate universe, i’m sure most of you would be the size of a Honda with a beard that grew only from your neck and a reddit account.”
A cheeky wink, the fourth wall cringes.
“So. Team Atara. The Sweaty Wrath of the Seven Seas. You got the Silver Scot, Wrestle Da. Toughest guy in the world but no one ever gives him credit. All we ever give a fuck about is the here and now...kinda pathetic, ain’t it? Man could knock out a thousand people, but if he doesn’t have anything shiny around his wasit he’s just...blah, right?” Robert shook his head, swinging his legs over the side of the chair he was in and leaned forward, taking a moment to compose his thoughts.
“Then there’s Sebastian Everett Bryce Kardashian West The Third Junior Esquire Part IV. Pretty boy ringer when Dolly Waters had to bow out. I don’t know much about him aside from he likes to ‘smolder’ and I got no idea what the fuck that is, but it seemed to get our team captain slicked up enough to recruit him so I hope he can fight as well as he poses for a selfie. Thankfully, there won’t be any Johnny Blowjobber clients around to strip him of any titles--” a pause, a sheepish grin “Sorry Seb, Knox venmo’d me 50 bucks to take a cheap shot..”
“And there’s the next point, before I go over the other two...I can’t wait to sit down and skip over everyone making the connection between me and Knox..especially the world’s mouthiest sidekick in Blah Snorestein. We get it. You won a battle royale once. That’s super cool dude. Righteous. What have you done since, aside from come up in conversations that were about your team captain?”
“Make no mistake, Knox is my friend. He did train me. But we ain’t the same, yo. Not even in the same zip code. I’m younger, tougher, smarter, better looking and got no qualms about biting an ear off like tyson--and yours are big enough to be gettin ESPN. So on god, i’m lookin forward the most ot tangling with your trailer park to talent trailer lookin’ ass. I just hope Batman doesn’t get too mad when I leave his Robin in traction.”
He stood from the boat then, leaning over the rail and staring out at the endless pacific.
“James Raven, the Goat. The Other other Captain. Different but the same as mine. Whereas Atara and her…” he furrowed his brow “Proclivity for displays of sexuality are brazen. You tend to be a little more subtle, letting Betsy and the other simps post the same picture of your flabs for the world to see. But there’s no denying the track record, there’s no denying the skill the ‘Legacy’..” he turned back to the camera, smirking “See what I did there?”
“But this whole ‘Peoples Goat’ schtick..it wears thin, dude...so thin. Because the people are the same five or six. From what i’ve seen? You’re great, but not all time. Last relevant thing you did was give yourself a title shot from a cushy GM position and then...the company yeeted you and closed its doors. I think Tony mentioned how it bombed the ratings and the public image but, fuck do i know...I was admittedly blazed.”
“Then we got Corey Black and Vhodka Black...uh...nice to see you guys here, I guess?”
Bert ran a hand through his hair, chuckling as he began pacing toward the stairs, the camera following him “Look, I can’t front yo. I hopped into this because I wanted to go on a boat with my Fiance and maybe fight some people I never got the opportunity to.and may never again. Day after the fight, win lose or draw? It’s not gonna weigh me down too much. I’ll go back to Level Up, be a double Champ to people who matter to me and time will indeed march on.”
He paused, turning at the top of the stairs and outstretching his arms
“If anyone has an issue with the shit I said though, and you don’t feel satisfied with whatever you do when we tangle in the ring though? I just gave you my forwarding address. Ain’t a one of you, my side of the ring or the other, or anywhere on this boat that I’ll shy away from. Might be plenty of dudes look like me, plenty of dudes I remind you of but you ain’t never faced one like me, yo.”
“So in the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington…”
“I’M ON A BOAT!!”
The feed cuts
