Post by bustergloves on Oct 11, 2022 23:22:16 GMT -5
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Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew,
Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two?
Guy Manson can.
Oh Guy Manson can.
Guy Manson can, 'cause he mixes it with love, and makes the world taste good.
Who can make a rain-bow, fire in the sky,
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy choc’late pie?
Guy Manson can.
Oh, Guy Manson can.
Guy Manson can, 'cause he mixes it with blood, and makes the world taste good.
Guy Manson makes, everything he bakes,
Satis-fying, and de-lish-ious
Think he might be sus-pish-ious
Maybe even apoc-a-lyptic
An alien invasion? Add some gasoline.
Liquify the bodies, and turn them into cream.
Guy Manson can,
oh Guy Manson can
Guy Manson can, 'cause he’s a space lizard wrestler, and his homeworld says he should…
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RUMBLE AWARENESS
Standing in front of a chocolate waterfall is our favorite documented alien and chocolatier, Guy Manson. Working behind him, carrying buckets and sacks of ingredients, are skinny Italian men with zig zag mustaches and black overalls with purple undershirts. Guy is smiling vacantly and holding the world’s skinniest microphone as he prepares to read the teleprompter.
Rumbles. They can be your stairway to heaven or your golden ticket to HELL. Did you know that every year, 1.2 million adults are the victims of rumble attacks? You might even be a victim of a rumble attack right now and not even know it. Rumble awareness is the number one social issue of 2022. #inmyrumbleopinion
Hi, my name is Guy Man Son. Today I’m going to teach you all about rumble matches. So, pay close attention and take notes. You just might learn how to survive this meteor smash to the grave.
Participating in rumble matches is a necessary evil. Everybody does one sooner or later and they are unwinnable. Unwinnable but necessary. How else can the hopes and dreams of dozens of professional athletes be crushed, one-by-one, in rapid succession, to thunderous applause. The body count from rumbles should be something on the hearts and minds of the masses, but instead, rumbles wait in dark rooms, dusty garages, and smelly lairs, unimpeded by the swift throat-punch of justice.
There’s no point in wondering whether or not a rumble is trying to kill you. It most definitely is. The best you can hope to do is to get your affairs in order, double up on your life insurance, and pray. Go ahead and book a follow up pizza party just in case you survive. Because it’ll be a nice treat after your near-death experience. Outside of that, just remember to keep fear in your heart until you’ve left the arena. Because at any moment, the entire ring could collapse under the combined weight of the murder muppets inside it. In that scenario, you’d better hope there aren’t any badgers or moles under there because there will be blood, and nothing can save any of you at that point.
There’s a rumble this year at the Tara Fenix Charity Execution. Guy Man Son and an untold number of blood-thirsty rumble buddies are putting our lives on the line, in that rumble, for charity. Of course, any charity attempting to save humanity is wasting their time because a global alien invasion could end all existence any day now, but there are still small victories to celebrate. It’s been just over 300 days without a serious rumble injury or death at a charity wrestling event. I can’t believe it’s been that long since pretty little Drew Peacock lost his eye fighting for the Thoughts for Thots Spaghetti House Charity.
In rare cases, a rumble can be a useful crisis, but only if you know and practice the five steps of rumble injury prevention. Learn them. Live them. Carve them into your flesh in a place where you can check them often.
Step one. Choose your rumbles wisely. You’re never going to want to join the first rumble you see. All of them are designed to crush your soul into dust. But sometimes, you can find a rumble that isn’t ran by a sadist, who wasn’t loved enough by their parents. Rumbles will always be straight forward about their rules and expectations. Make sure you disregard them completely. It’s best to just listen to your instrument and go with your gut. Your instincts will always serve you much better than conventional wisdom.
Number two. Never do research about your opponents in a rumble. Blind faith is your best friend going in. Take it out for a beer and ask it how its family is doing. Having any clue what you’re up against will only discourage you. If you act super casual about the whole thing, your enemies will likely forget you even exist. Which is good. Fact is that you never know if your rumble is a fire-type, electric-type, or fighting-type rumble until you’ve actually been attacked by it. That’s part of the thrill of the experience. You’re already dead inside, why ruin the surprise when you have your brush with death?
Plan-C. Rumbles will embolden your opponents to kick you in your pickle bucket. Once a rumble asserts its dominance on a group, the end is inevitable. If a rumble wants you dead, you’ll die either way. So, it’s best to strike fast, strike hard, and to not look weak in your final moments.
<Outline Header 5> That brings us to our fifth and final item, which is the most important step in rumble match awareness. Gravity and rumbles are vicious lovers. They hand out death like an exotic blackjack dealer. So, when you fly over that top rope, thrash wildly, grab anything you can, search for a body to break your fall, and never, ever, ever, look down.
Alright human person viewers, that’s enough non-sugar talk for today. If you want to live, remember what I said. Rumbles are evil, but not as evil as the infinite darkness of the universe.
