Post by paulmontuori on Oct 20, 2022 17:47:15 GMT -5
I don’t do charity.
Not that I’m some dirtbag that doesn’t care about other people.
I just don’t care enough to give them my time or my money. Especially for nothing in return.
But I want to emphasize I am not a dirtbag.
I just don’t do charity.
So when Michelle came to me, talking about how she booked us for some charity event, I was like..
Bitch, really?
Then she told me the event was taking place in Hawaii. And suddenly charity didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Get to spend some time in Hawaii, embarrass someone in the ring.. Get my name out there. Little family vacation plus a tax write off. All in the name of saving boobs. Didn’t seem like a bad idea.
It never usually does though..
Wheels up..
After I get the kids settled, I look over at Michelle, trying to get her attention. I start with the eyebrows. Then I do the subtle head motion towards the back. She’s been looking so sexy lately. Been such a great Mother to Ezra and Madison. Held it fucking down. I’m ready to jump her bones. I let out a minor cough as she doesn’t look up from her phone. Laughing evilly as she typed away. Probably roasting Dane Preston on Twitter again.
“Michelle,” I whisper. No response. I whisper again. And again. She doesn’t bother to look up from the roast she’s putting on someone.
I finally give up, leaning back in my seat. Might as well get some z’s in, be nice and rested for when we land..
That’s when my Spidey senses go off. I open my eyes just in time to see Michelle walking to the back of the plan. Like a gazelle I’m up and gliding right behind her. She goes to close the door behind her as I barge in.
“Can I help you?” She asks with that annoyance in her voice.
“Actually you can,” I say as I seductively wiggle my eyebrows up and down.
“P, the kids are on the other side of the door,” she says as I pull her in close.
“Like that’s stopped you before,” I reply as I start to kiss on her neck. That’s when I hear it. The sound of being literally cock blocked.
“Is that Ezra crying?” Michelle asks as she pulls back.
“Uh.. Nah, must be the engines,” I reply, knowing damn well I hear Ezra crying too. I go back to kissing her neck.
“Dad. Michelle,” I hear Madison call out as Ezra continues to cry.
“Let me get a couple pumps,” I whisper to Michelle as she pushes me off.
“There'll be plenty of time for that later,” she replies as she opens the bathroom and steps out, closing the door behind her. I look at myself in the mirror.
“These damn kids stay hating,” I say before stepping out of the bathroom. I walk back to my seat and plop down. I look over at Rosa who’s watching something with a pair of headphones on, howling with laughter. I reach over and pull them off.
“Cabron,” she says as she gives me a dirty look.
“What the fuck Rosa? I brought you along to watch the kids.”
“Que? They’re fine,” she replies as she motions to Michelle holding Ezra.
“Ezra was crying.”
“Y? Michelle handled it.”
“Yeah that’s the problem Rosa. I was about to handle my bidness with Michelle and we had to stop because Ezra was crying. You gotta be kidding me. I can’t even get 20 minutes.”
“20 minutos?” She says laughing as she puts her headphones back on. “You wish.”
What a great start to the trip..
👑💀👑💀👑💀👑💀👑
Wheels down..
“Aloha you bitches!” I scream as I get out of the limo. The resort employees dressed in native Hawaiian garb give me a weird look. With the amount of money I spent on this fucking trip, fuck them. “Say what I want!”
More weird looks. They should be used to obnoxious Americans.. I watch as they place leis around the necks of Michelle, Ezra, Madison and Rosa. Ezra of course instantly shoves the flowers in his mouth.
“Oh Moi Montuori, aloha. Pleasure to have you back,” the guy that runs the hotel says. Michelle gives me that Bitch how they know you already? look but changes to that I rather not ask look that she gives me when she doesn’t want to go down the rabbit hole with me.
“Good to be back,” I reply as he places a baller ass lei around my neck. I look down, admiring it for a second, watching the wind blow some of the gold flakes off of it.
“Beautiful family you have here,” he says, motioning to my ganggang.
“Only fitting a Kanaka Maikai like myself would have one,” I reply. I glance over at Michelle who’s look has changed to one she usually has on her face, the look of being confused but impressed at the same time. I wink at her as she responds by rolling her eyes.
“Not bad for a haole. Leave your bags here, I’ll make sure they bring them up to your room. Anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask. Hauʻoli,” buddy says.
“Mahalo,” I reply as I lead my ganggang into the hotel lobby. They all talk amongst each other excitedly, looking at the different decorations and displays.
“Paul Montuori?” I hear and turn around to see a couple guys in their twenties gawking at me. “Oh shit, I knew it was you. Think we can get a picture?”
“Yeah uh.. Sure why not?” I say as I pose oh so beautifully for the camera. “You guys fans, huh?”
“Huge. We used to go watch you down at the Blaisdell Arena,” one of them replies.
“Holy shit, the Blaisdell Arena. Those were some good times.”
“Yeah they were. Hey you should come to the luau tonight!”
“Brah you totally should. We’ll be performing.”
“Performing what?”
“You’ll have to see for yourself,” buddy replies.
“Alright, leave your info with the front desk,” I see as I look over at Michelle eyeing me up. “I’ll see you fellas later.”
I walk over to Michelle who’s still giving me that Bitch really? Face.
“What? P. Mont is an International Brand.”
“Hawaii is part of the US,” Madison chimes in.
“Yeah sure it is..”
👑💀👑💀👑💀👑💀👑
We left the kids with Rosa back in the room. They’d just gotten back from the pool and we’re going to get ready to meet us at the luau. We had to make an appearance to promote the charity event.
Before we left I had to warn Rosa she wasn’t allowed to ditch the kids if she came across a Polynesian she wanted to break in. I promised her there’d be plenty of time to go hunting for fresh meat. I even made sure I had a room booked just for her. Last thing I wanted to do was get woken up by Maui beating them old guts up..
🤮 🤮 🤮
The charity event was dope. Full of a lot of locals who were big fans. I used to be a big deal here in Hawaii. Mostly wrestling under a hood as El Gran Luchador. Hawaiians got a kick out of my antics. In and out of the ring.
I’d just got done telling a group of my admirers the time I beat Stephen Stratford for two straps when I look over and see Michelle, our eyes locking. I can’t help but smile like a Goof Troop.
I excuse myself, sauntering over as sexy as I can. She’s into it. I reach her, kissing her on the top of her head before sitting down across from her.
"Man, they really love PMont here on the island. Some of these people know more about me than I do. Maybe I shouldn't have done all those drugs during Y2K," I say laughing.
"Probably wasn't the best idea, but to be fair I don't think we pictured living past 2001,” Michelle responds with a slightly nervous chuckle. Wonder what that’s about. I start to ask..
"P. I need to tell you something. Something kind of important and I was going to wait but I don't think I should."
"What's up?" Ruh roh. What is this about? Hope everything is OK.
"I…" She stammers before sliding something across the table.
“What’s this?” I say as I pick it up. I look it over, it looks like some kind of test. There’s a plus sign on it. Wait, oh no. This can’t be. Please don’t tell me this is happening. Not now. I’m not fucking ready. Not mentally prepared for this. “What the fuck Michelle?”
“What? I don’t understand,” Michelle replies, confused. “I thought you’d be happy..”
“Happy? Why would you think I’d be happy?” The look on her face changes from confused to hurt, then anger starting to boil up.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been begging me for this. You think I wanna go through it again?”
“Been begging you for this? Why would I beg you to get Covid?”
“Covid?”
“Yeah, you’re fucking positive bruh. Right before our fucking match. I’m not trying to get in that ring by myself with those goons. And uh.. You really shouldn’t be in this restaurant if you have Covid. You tryna be the Outbreak monkey?” I reply as she instantly starts laughing. “The fucks so funny?”
“You think I have Covid? Oh, you’re so lucky you’re so beautiful,” she says through laughter.
“Thanks, I guess..”
“I’m pregnant P.”
“Wait.. What?” I say as I look down at the test again. "You peed on this and brought it here? That's so unsanitary."
"P, your tongue has been where I pee from. Are you really gonna go there?" she says, that annoyance in her voice again.
"I'm just kidding, but are you really pregnant or is this a joke?"
"I'm really pregnant."
“I uh.. I don’t know what to say..” I sit there, dumbfounded, looking at the test. Speechless for probably the first time in my life. I try to say something, anything. But I feel like if I do the waterworks won’t be able to be stopped. And I can see people staring at me out of my peripherals, natives taking pictures of me. I stand up, pulling her up and hugging her. But not too tightly, I don’t want to hurt the baby.
My baby..
“Dad, Michelle, it’s about to start,” I hear Madison say. I let go of Michelle and lead her to Madison, following her to where some dancers in native garb are ready to put on a show. Michelle walks over to check on Ezra who’s in the arms of Rosa. Madison looks over at me.
“Dad, this place is amazing,” Madison says.
“Wait, you knew?”
“Of course,” she replies, beaming. Fucking amazing how great Michelle and Madison get along. Some days I think Maddy forgets Michelle isn’t her real Mom. I pull her in for a hug as the drums start to play.
“Go up front and get yourself a better spot,” I say as she nods and walks off.
I stand, watching the dancers dance, putting on a dope show.
Michelle walks over to me, a huge smile on her face. I instantly match her energy, pulling her in tightly. 2022 has been a fucked up year. A complete waste in terms of my career. Everything I thought I was going to accomplish, not even close.
But real talk..
Wouldn't change a thing.
I finally have what I've been longing for my entire life. A family that loves me.
More importantly..
A bad ass bitch to ride with.
Yo take off as many points as you want.
I fucking love Michelle..
👑💀👑💀👑💀👑💀👑
Welcome one and all.
For those that do not know me, which I guess at this point in the promo it’s pointless to introduce myself..
Ahh who am I kidding.
You all know and love me!
And for those of you that don’t..
Shame..
For you have been missing out on one of this world’s greatest treasures.
Your KING Paul Montuori.
Yeah, that’s me! The dope ass dood you’ve been hearing about but have never actually seen. Like the elusive Bigfoot. Or Dane Preston’s supposed threesomes.
You’re all very welcome for allowing you to bask in my awesomeness.
Just gracing you all with my presence should constitute a tax write-off.
I sure as hell shouldn’t have to open up my wallet for this event. And why should I? People will pay top dollar to see your KING. And as they fucking should, duh! Ticket sales for Night Two are solely responsible due to the Royals on the card. And like Abraham Lincoln I don’t cut down cherry trees. Or tell lies. Or was that Trump?
Hence forth, all proceeds from Night Two shall go to Save the Titties. Because is life worth living without the Titties?
Now I’m not entirely sure I’m able to do that. But I just said it. And no take backs. And those be the rules of the skreets..
Let’s get down to bidness..
I would like the record to state that I did not instigate this. I did not go looking for trouble. Not this time. I was minding my own bidness, as I tend to do. Scrolling through Twitter, staring at Sahara’s two beautiful eyes.. When suddenly I get this alert. This dood starts going at me on Twitter. Like who the fuck is this? Coming at such a beautiful creature? Coming at me in a disrespectful manner is like bitch slapping a unicorn. The most evil and vile of actions. Then I go and see who it is and sure enough, the fuckers the most evil and vile of creatures.
Let me preface by saying I know making fun of his grotesque face is as bad as making fun of the Comedian’s gut. Shooting fish in a barrell. Or betting that Dane Preston’s cutting a promo in a garage or gym. It’s too easy. Plus, I know Michelle loves doing it. Don’t need both Royals saying the same shit and being Mean Girls. And normally I wouldn’t stoop to that juvenile level, like wanting to leave someone with a gaping ass which in itself is gross enough to say out loud, let alone do. This is a family show for families, lawd you need some help..
But I just want to say one thing..
U G L Y, yo ass ain’t got no alibi..
This disfigured creature who’d give Rocky Dennis a run for his money was actually coming at me out of nowhere. That’s the last one. Out of the blue. I had no idea who this Golem looking creature was. Had I somehow insulted him without knowing? I normally don’t pay attention to doods on the Twitterverse, especially lame fucks. I’m all about ass and titties.. Michelle’s I mean. Her ass and titties only.
She’s not going to see this, right?
Nah, couldn’t be from the Twitterverse. I wouldn’t waste so much time on someone like him. And then again, I’m no stranger to haters. They’re always going to be around when you’re as fucking handsome and dope as Paul Montuori. Comes with the territory. Being this beautiful isn’t always sunshines and rainbows and sloppy toppy.
I don’t think I ran into him in another promotion. I would’ve remembered him, like the first time I saw Toxic Avenger bang that chick. Ingrained in my brain for life. Wait, did I just pull another Joe?
But it turns out, he was no regular hater. Nah, he drew the short stick and got hit with the ugly stick and ended up having to face Michelle and I at this charity event in Hawaii. This most evil and vile of creatures was
John Cable.
How dare you speak to a Wrestling Gawd the way you did? You should be kissing my feet, begging for me to look your way. To pay you some attention. Not trying to sully my great name. If you wanted my attention all you had to do was bring me the stick and I would’ve tossed it ya dog faced fuck.
The nerve!
To come after Paul Montuori so publicly!
Since when did people suddenly think it was OK to step out of line? To run their mouths like there’s no repercussions. Nah bruh.. This Twitterverse online shit got people brave. Bravery goes right out the window when ya get punched in the face. #joeism.
John, you vanilla fuck.
Even with the saddest backstory of having everyone murdered and you the lone survivor still help to make you interesting.
Not even in the slightest bruh.
And watching you open up to the world about your past for the World Series of Wrestling, I kinda wanted to pull for you. Anyone who’s lived through what you did.. Wow, pretty heavy stuff. But then..
Zzzzzzz..
I’d rather watch James Raven bang Atara.
I guess that’s a bad example. Who wouldn’t want to see those two beautiful creatures make love?
I’d rather listen to Dane Preston talk about flux capacitors and catalytic converters. Fuck I hope they don’t sit me next to him at Thanksgiving this year.
The Glorious NEW Breed..
Aye Cable, aren’t you like 65? The fuck is new about you?
Wait, is it too late to change our Charity to the Geriatrics Who Continue To Wrestle Cause Their Broke Fund? CGWWCTBF. I could see that on a slogan..
Bruh, time to give it a rest. Hang those boots up.
Teaming up with some pretty boy isn’t going to distract people enough to make them forget how fucking terrible you are.
Just the worst..
Everything about you. Your presentation. The way you tried so hard to get people to feel bad for you. Pathetic attempt to garner some sympathy. Time to be honest with yourself Cable.
You’re the last thing from a white meat babyface.
No one takes you seriously.
You’re a joke.
No one buys your merch. I’ve heard how you sit behind your table after WGWF events, practically begging people to buy a signed 8x10. Begging people to buy your shitty shirts. News flash, no one wants to buy a T-shirt with your ugly mug on it..
Pft.. Loser..
See when I first found out about the charity event, I planned on gracing y’all with Fun & Games P. Mont, which is still a dope version of Paul Montuori. Better than 93.62% of the roster. And that’s a fact. Science bruh..
I wanted to come in and have some fun. Put on a show. All for charity. All for the fans who paid their hard earned money to come be entertained. But thanks to you John Cable, due to your pathetic attempts at trying to rile me up on the Twittersphere, I’ve decided to bring out the bestest version of P. Mont that ever existed..
Paul Montuori..
Now I know everyone is probably thinking O M G does each version of Paul Montuori have their own merch? And if so, how can I get it? Yes and cracky tales dot com. Head on over, operators are standing by.
I guess you’re also wondering what makes that version of P. Mont the bestest..
Well, if ya gotta be a nosey bitch then I guess the reason is simple..
Cause your fucking KING said so!
And as your KING I swear I’ll burn the fucking ring down with you in it Cable if you get any Bengay on me. It’ll be a fucking wrap!
This is not gonna be some exhibition match. Taking a page outta Joe’s book, this is Rocky IV. I’m looking to Hulk Smash like that Russian dood.
I’d say I was going to knock out those gross teeth of yours, but you’re probably going to take them out before the match. Leave them in a glass in your corner.
I hope for your sake it doesn’t rain bruh. I’m looking to get at you when you’re 100%. Can’t have you out there with them joints all stiff and shit..
I know you’re hoping they put our match on early. You old timers love to be in bed early.
You’re old. In case you haven’t figured out my oh so subtle digs at your age.
I’m expecting your homeboy Christian Slater to pick up most of your slack in the ring. Hopefully he’ll be real competition. But I’m not holding my breath, by the looks of him he looks like another doofus cosplaying as a wrestler.
Or a Viking.
Oh gawd, please don’t tell me he’s part of that Viking family. Those fucks breed like rats. Or maybe he’s just the token Viking. Pretty sure every promotion has to have one.
Since when did everyone want to be Vikings?
Quite a pairing, the two of them.
Like Turner & Hooch.
Or Dunston and the white kid.
Long time partners, right?
Pft.. Big deal.
Two blips on the legacy that your ROYALS are crafting.
A legacy that’ll..
Wait, Michelle’s pregnant.
I gotta face these two pricks alone??
