+ Death & Taxes : Momento Mori + (Vs. Enigma)

++A flick of a lighter. Cigarettes in the morning. How I wished Eoin could have come with me. It’s so beautiful here. It’s funny how the things you took for granted in your youth seem so more important once you hit the other side of 40. I always told myself I would come out here. I promised myself that once I had earned it, I would take time off from the business and bring Annika. She’s 18 now. Another little white lie that I told myself. Pretending that the sands in the hourglass weren’t growing thin. As I exhale the smoke of the cigarello into the island air, my arm dangles over the railing. Why was I up this early? My intuition told me something was wrong. I had no reason to be awake. A knot in my stomach. A familiar feeling. The same knot I got the day George died. The same knot that twisted my insides the day Tom got on that plane and never came back. Death. I could feel the energy being sucked out of the air. A call was coming. I took a deep breath, flicked the ashes and extinguished the cigar and instinctively turned back towards the room. That pit in my stomach grew larger and larger with each step. I was already going through the motions. It never got easier. As I reached the bedside my cellphone started ringing. Answering, I put it on speaker and sat down, knowing what was coming++



Eoin: Lass, I know it’s early. I hope I didn’t wake ye up.



Elizabeth: No, no. I was already awake. Am I going to be needing a drink?



Eoin: Ah. Yes love. Shoulda known if anyone would be sensing bad energy it would be you yeah? Ye gonna want to make it stiff girl.



Elizabeth: Jack Daniels it is then.



++I exhaled sharply. How sad it is to be conditioned for these types of circumstances by now. I knew this year would not go by without one more name being added to the rolls. I got up and walked to the mini fridge, taking out the half full bottle and took a shot straight from it. I stopped to look in the mirror, my eyes were already glossy but I had no ounce of mourning left in me. I sat on the foot of the bed and took another shot++



Elizabeth: Dead or dying Eoin?



Eoin: Dead I’m afraid girl. I just got the voicemail. It’s Keith.



Elizabeth: Moniz. Jesus fucking Christ. He was only a few years older than me. I knew he was in the hospital for something routine. I just talked to Kiki a few days ago.



Eoin: I know, lass. Nobody saw this comin’. It’s shocked everyone down to the core. No news on services yet, but will you be comin’ back for it?



Elizabeth: No. I’ll pay my respects alone and after things have settled down. I can’t do another funeral. I know how awful that makes me sound. We were professional colleagues, I worked for his promotion, but I just can’t do another. I don’t have it in me. I guess to some that would make me a terrible human being, but it just ends up making me angry. Not to mention, his other colleagues would just make me being there a spectacle. You know I’m not on good terms with a lot of them. The most respectful thing I can do is stay away. I think they would be more accepting of you there, not me.



Eoin: I understand love. I don’t think you’re terrible for choosing to forego the services. Now that I sit here and think about it, you’re right. Too much bad blood. So you’ll be sticking with the Charity gig then?



Elizabeth: Yeah. I’d rather people on the outside consider me heartless and cruel for choosing a gig over a funeral. I’m fucked either way. No matter what choice I make. It is what it is. I can’t go back and change things. I can’t force another apology just to keep everyone happy. I can’t take anything back. It’s all said and done.



Eoin: Aye. I tell you what, I’ll go pay my respects as soon as the details are released and then I’ll charter a flight out there to you. I don’t much like you being alone right now. I know how you’re headspace gets when shite like this happens. Sound good?



Elizabeth: Yeah that sounds good. Until then Jack here will keep me company.



Eoin: Go easy on the sauce, Liz. Please.



Elizabeth: I’ll try. Won’t promise anything. I’ll talk to you soon darling.



Eoin: Mo’ Stor.



++He ended the call and my shoulders slumped. It always happens so fast. One minute you’re sharing a text, the next you’re getting “the call”. So many of those calls still haunt me to this day. I took another swig and siwrled the dark colored liquid around in circles in the bottle. Watching as it dangled between my legs, swaying from side to side. I tilted my head back and exhaled, drawing another breathe through my nostrils++



Elizabeth: It never gets easier. And he won’t be the last. I know he won’t. If it isn’t the drugs, it's the booze. If it isn’t the booze it’s the concussions. If it isn’t the concussions, it's depression or PTSD. Freak accidents. Airplanes. Fucking hell. I’m so tired of the tears, the caskets and cemeteries. I’m so tired of the lingering regret and anger. All the things I should have said, should have done storming through my head for days on end. Watching bastards that never had a good or decent thing to say about a person, suddenly overcome with emotion for someone that just a day before, they were making fun of or talking shit about them behind their back. This won’t be any different. It never is. Everybody feels bad when it happens, but nobody remembers the shit they said up until then. Smile to your face with a knife behind their back. Myself included. I’m guilty of the same fucking thing. God how I wish I could go back and take certain things back. All the while it makes me sit here and wonder, what happens when the call is for me, instead of to me? God damnit!



++I stood up quickly, gritting my teeth. A part of me felt like calling the organizers and pulling out. I knew they would understand. It’s the nature of the beast that is this business. It came with the territory. You just always hoped it happened to someone else, not you. I could feel the palms of my hands starting to itch from the mounting anxiety. I set the bottle down and drug myself to the bathroom, the motion activated lights powering on as I walked in front of the sink. I turned the cold water on, letting it flow just a few seconds before bowing down and splashing my face with it once or twice++



Elizabeth: Get it together Liz. You’re stronger than this. Get those thoughts out of your fucking head. Now isn’t the time. You can break down when Eoin gets here. Until then you have made a commitment and God dammit woman you WILL see to it that it is fulfilled. I know this has been frustrating, but look at it this way, how many other fuckers on this island can say they had TWO opponents back out on them? Play to your strengths old girl. That’s a hell of a selling point. One guy was too big for his fucking britches and the other suddenly had “something come up”. Right. You’ve been a good sport. The organizers went out of their way to find you a third opponent, would be in bad taste to back out now. The man is expecting to fight, and dammit woman you will give him a fight. Remember? You were even looking forward to this bout. Someone who can meet you pound for pound, stiff shot for stiff shot. He likes to make friends and break them, so do you. It’s already an underdog match thanks to the other two stepping out. Play your cards right and you and he could give them an unexpected match of the night.



No animosity, no bitterness, no bullshit just two big ass mother fuckers coming together to put on a clinic of old school, tit for tat wrestling. Keep your head in it girl. Don’t start asking yourself those kinds of questions. Don’t start letting yourself slip down that slope. You’re getting soft in your old age, knock it off…



++I splashed my face again and looked up, staring hard into the mirror. The lines on my face were more prominent now. My eyes were tired. I rubbed the back of my neck as I looked down at the running water, my shoulders yet again slumping. I turned off the faucet and made my way back out, sitting down on the edge of the bed and picking up my phone. My hands were trembling as I considered what to do. Thumbing through the contact list I finally made up my mind. I had to do what was best for me. I made the call and put in my ear piece, waiting patiently, as the other end picked up I shuddered++



Elizabeth: I apologize for such an early call, but I just received some terrible news. A friend has passed away.



No, no that won’t be necessary. I’m not pulling out, but I thank you for the offer. I actually just need to cancel my appearances for today. I know I was scheduled for a press junket later this morning but I’m very shaken right now and I just need to take today to mourn and get myself right. Could you also be as so kind to send a message over to Enigmas camp so he is aware.





No, really, I can continue, I’m just going to take today and process all of this. I made a commitment and now, it kind of means more given the situation. I would feel even worse than I do now if I pulled out, leaving Enigma with no opponent this close to show day and after all the work you guys put into replacing not one, but two opponents of my own. No I will honor my agreement. You can refer any questions or important calls to my partner, Mr. O’Rourke. He is my acting manager. He will see that I get them. I will leave my itinerary with the front desk in case of emergency, thank you for understanding.



++I ended the call and laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as the fan wooshed around. As I spread out my arms I closed my eyes, calming my breathing++



Elizabeth: The storm isn’t over yet Liz. Once the dirt sheets get wind of this, they will all talk about you being either a bitch for continuing or hailing you as a paragon of virtue for “doing it for their fallen friend”, but the truth is it isn’t for him. Not to say he would expect any different from you. He’d feel just as bad if you pulled out of something like this and made a fuss, but the truth is you’re doing it for you. You always have. This business has always been your crutch to fall back on when things went south. Daughter diagnosed as terminal? Go work in Mexico. Marriage went to shit again? Take some bookings in Japan. It’s your coping mechanism and you fucking know it. You keep telling yourself those little white lies to convince yourself it isn’t as it really seems. “It’s what they would have wanted”, you fucking liar.



This is one time you will not let them attach those pedantic bylines to your match. You aren’t dedicating it to him, you aren’t doing it for him, you’re going to own your selfishness. You made yourself the villain of your own story. You embraced all of it and don’t dare think you can have a change of heart now. Let them think and say what they want. You owe them nothing. Not an explanation, not an apology, not a lame attempt at an excuse. They drew the picture, you just painted in the colors for them. Made their assumptions, accusations and rumors a reality. You and him made peace. Maybe not always saw eye to eye, maybe got frustrated because of your own shortcomings and poor social skills, but you and him know the truth and that is all that matters. You’re going to get up, get dressed, head down to one of the temples on the island and make your peace. Enigma deserves you at your best with a clear head, focused and on your game and nothing less. It would be a disservice to him, to the fans and the organizers to walk in and give some half assed, half hearted fight. Unacceptable. You go off the grid today, you do what you have to do for you as a woman, as Elizabeth and tomorrow you put your business face back on and do what you need to do and be for Apathy. Period.



++I sat up slowly and nodded to myself. A younger me would have lost my shit. A younger me would have lashed out. A younger me would have placed blame. A younger me would have risked my own career and legacy. A younger me would have tried to utilize a tragedy for my own benefit. I don’t remember her anymore. I only get glimpses from time to time. Fragments of memories. Of carrying caskets. Of crying until my ducts were dry. Of not being surprised by death anymore. Of burying my own. Facing my own mortality. Now I just hit a little stiffer in the next match. At least Enigma will get a heads up. Just hope he understands++