QUESTIONS & ANSWERS (CHAPTER 6: WANTED)

It had been a few days and the waiting game had grown excruciating. Sev had been forcing himself to continue with routines, going to the gym and reviewing as much match footage as he could find online about his upcoming opponent. He'd filled pages upon pages with notes but when he leafed through the notebook, it felt like they'd been taken by someone else – he remembered bits and pieces of what he'd watched but it all felt wispy and insubstantial, like a half-remembered dream. When the doctor's office had finally called to say they had the results of the tests and wanted to schedule time for them to come in, he'd wanted to go right then and there. Get it over with quickly so that he could get back to focusing on his career and they could start preparing for the trip to Hawaii. Instead, they'd had to wait another insufferable 36 hours. Now that they were sitting in the office, he couldn't keep still. His knee was bouncing, making the hard plastic chair he sat in creak dangerously, as though it was going to collapse under his bulk at any second. Looking up, he caught his wife's eye, feeling a smile on his face as that familiar rush of warmth filled him the moment their eyes locked.

"This suspense…" he chuckled sheepishly, pressing his palm down on his knee to force his foot flat on the floor, "it is killing me. You think they do this on purpose, so that even the minor bad news seems good after letting your anxieties chew on your brain for too long?"

"I suppose that could be their ultimate plan." Her hand reached out and rested on his hand that was on his knee. When she looked at Sev, she exhaled with a nervous smile. "If you want to step out and get some air, you can." She already knew what the doctor was going to confirm. "I know it's kind of stuffy in here."

Immediately, he shook his head. "No, I am just being silly. Letting my worries carry away with themselves." He turned his hand over, fingers interlocking with hers as a sigh passed his lips. "Everything will be fine. No matter what they say, nothing changes."

She brought their hands up so that she could kiss his. "We'll get through it together, I know. I just hate waiting." The whole day had her on edge as at any moment, their lives could be set on a whole new path. "I love you so much."

He hated the anxiety that was churning in his stomach, thankful that he hadn’t eaten this morning. It was a fear of the unknown, a loathing of adaptation and change that had kept him mired in a toxic situation so long that it had nearly destroyed him completely – it was all well and good to put on a brave front but he was having a hard time digesting the words himself. "The waiting game sucks," he replied, "but at least I have the best company." It was his turn to lift their linked hands to his lips and he gently kissed her knuckles, one by one.

Sev could feel the panic building, constricting his chest and making his head ache – at some point, he might have to actually slip out of the room to take one of the little yellow pills if he couldn't stop his mind from racing like this. He closed his eyes, bowing his head as he rested his forehead against their clasped hands. "It will be okay. Everything will be okay." The words came out strained, barely above a hoarse whisper.

He couldn't stop thinking about the last thing Pyro had ever said to him, just mere hours before that ultimate betrayal that had destroyed their partnership forever.

"She doesn't love you, dummy. What she feels is pity – you are nothing more than a charity case to her. You'll see what happens, Slava. When she realises you are beyond helping, beyond saving, she will walk away. She will leave you the same way your mother did and this time there will be no Sisters of Mercy to take you in, to coddle and save you from yourself."

He'd let Pyro go out to the ring alone, had left him hanging for the entire match even though he was wearing a mask and a heavy leather cloak, watching the entire thing unfold at ringside – he'd pretended to be a follower of the Church of the Seventh Circle, an acolyte the media had dubbed The Nameless. For the first time in a decade, he had been welcomed with open arms. He felt loved. He felt appreciated. He'd felt like an equal rather than a lesser. Driving his fist into Pyro's face over and over until the bastard was an unrecognisable mess had been as cathartic as it was symbolic.

It was crazy to think that had only been a year and a half ago. It felt so much longer. It felt like a thousand lifetimes had been lived since then and still he was no closer to making up for all that squandered time.

LJ's shoulder bumped his, her fingers twitching with a gentle squeeze that brought him back from the brink of that mental abyss. "Penny for your thoughts," she whispered.

Unshed tears made his eyes burn as he closed them, tilting his head back to rest against the wall. "I was thinking that the biggest risk you can ever take is putting all your faith in another person. The most frightening thing I have ever done was opening my heart to you and… it was the most rewarding, too. I do not regret anything that has happened since."

"Oh Sev," her voice quavered, those tears that always seemed so close to the surface lately threatening to break loose again, "don't say it like that. You make it sound like this is the end of—"

The rest of that thought was cut off as the door opened, the blinding white of a lab coat the first thing Sev saw when his head snapped in that direction. The doctor stood there, folder in hand and a smile on their face.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, we’re running a bit behind." The doctor said as they entered the room and shut the door behind them. "I want to thank you both for making time to come in. Usually in a situation like this, we prefer the patient and their significant other to come in so we can go over the results of the tests." The doctor took a seat behind their desk, setting the folder down on the top of the desk.

"It’s not a problem, really." LJ said as her hold on Sev’s hand tightened. "We’re just grateful you were able to get us in." Her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest and her palms were beyond sweaty.

"I hope it is nothing too serious," Sev murmured, forcing a tight smile. "We will be travelling to Hawaii in a weeks’ time. Will that be advisable?" He hated the thought of having to pull out of the event, especially since he was a last-minute substitute. Apathy seemed like a genuinely promising competitor.

The doctor made eye contact with both of them and nodded, giving the couple a smile. "I can guarantee that your diagnosis will not keep from travelling, unless morning sickness gets too much." After a brief silence, the doctor finally told them what was going on. "Congratulations, Mrs. Yurievich, you’re around eight weeks pregnant!"

And there it was, what LJ had been suspecting all along – even then it was still quite the shock. "Are you sure?" It was a dumb question, of course the doctor was sure. She’d requested every test possible as was her nature. She always triple-checked her work to make sure that it was superb.

"This…" emotion welled up, making his voice break. Sev cleared his throat, turning to look at his beloved rather than the relative stranger of her doctor. "This is wonderful news. All signs point to good health otherwise? Nothing we should be concerned about?"

"Not at all, so far everything looks wonderful." The doctor said, opening up the file folder, looking the papers over. "Just make sure that you’re taking care of yourself – if you’re tired, rest. I can give you a list of foods to try if your nausea gets too much. Also, I’m going to prescribe some prenatal vitamins that you should start taking immediately."

"Thank you." LJ said, trying to wrap her head around the news. Even though she didn’t seem like it at the time, she was happy. She loved her husband so much and would adore their child, it was just going to take some getting used to. Looking at Sev, she could see how happy he was becoming and it made her tear up. "Congratulations Dad."

The joy was positively overflowing, the right words beyond his reach as a tremulous smile curved his lips. His eyes were bright with unshed tears, necessity making him blink but he did nothing to wipe them away, instead letting them roll down his cheeks. He wanted to fall to his knees and make a thousand insane promises against her stomach, as though the tiny cluster of growing cells would understand, would be able to comprehend the passion and love that fuelled such madness. Instead, he nodded, both of her hands now clasped in his as he managed to murmur the one thing that stood out above all the rest in the maelstrom of his mind. "They will know they are wanted, always. This is most important."


LIES HURT. Sometimes the truth does as well, when sharpened and wielded as a weapon. I would rather not start off our acquaintance with falsehoods or a ducking of the truth. I know that you didn't ask for me. I know I volunteered when the call for a substitute went out on social media. I know we are strangers, but that does not mean that I am ignorant of you or where you have come from. I hope you have done the same level of research; I hope that you have taken the time to know me for who I am.

This business, it doesn't care about what we have going on outside of the ropes. It does not care that lives are ending, that others are beginning. The circle of life has no bearing on anything we do, yet it shapes how we approach these things. I know I was not your first choice of an opponent. I know you had the rug ripped out from under you twice during the planning for this event – I know I am never at the top of anyone's list. I have come to peace with that many years ago. I do not chase the fleeting glory. I am here for a fight, like I told you. No hidden agenda. No misplaced aggressions to get out, though I understand completely if you have some frustrations you need to vent.

Experience has changed me. I never wanted skin this thick, never expected to last this long. We are both in the outliers, both over forty and still trying to rationalize the need to lace up our boots and get out there. I do not question your motivations, Apathy. Rather, I seek to learn if we are truly on the same page of the story, as it seems on first glance. You will forgive me, I am sure, if my English is a little awkward. It is not my first language… although my wife tells me that I am getting better all the time. This business, it was always a place that embraced me fully. Between those ropes, I always felt wanted. I felt as though this was a homecoming, that doing a thing and doing it well could fill the void inside me that had been there as long as I could remember. I filled it with purpose, with a dedication to the systematic destruction of my opposition only for my partner at the time to sabotage the victory time and time again. Once freed, I employed the same strategy on my own. I remembered the things I learned, the skills I honed over the previous decades – I have been winning.

Sometimes I surprise myself with this little thing called resilience. I did not know I had it in me until many years after the fact.

I should be making that itemized list to explain how I will dismantle you, bring more honor and glory to Pro Wrestling Excellence and Five Boroughs Wrestling – the two companies that I represent. I have an opportunity during this event in Hawaii to also reclaim the championship that was taken from me. I am sure I do not need to tell you that it was my very first. A quick skim of my social media could tell you this.

I am truly sorry if you feel as though I am glossing over our match, Miss Apathy. I do not intend for it to feel like that. I see this as a warm up. A friendly competition to get the juices flowing and I hope that you will still bring everything you can, despite the unfortunate news you have received. I am sorry for your loss. I did not know them, but it is never a good thing when a soul leaves this world, doubly so when it is someone in our business.

I am trying to steel myself for what is to come. I may need to hurt you. I will need to rip Diana Tremblay to shreds — I know this. I know I must be ruthless. I know I must take no prisoners; I must stop her trickery and underhandedness out of the gate. This brings me no joy. I do not want to maliciously injury. I do not want to be a weapon of mass destruction. My freedom offered me this choice.

All I have right now is this feeling of sick dread at a time when I should be joyful. I worry that I will take things too far. When is it going to end? For myself, I keep feeling like it never will, as though it will last forever and I fear I will go completely insane before it stops. This is silly, I know. We are not immortal. We bleed. We break. We get old.

Knowing the truth does not make it any easier to accept knives in my back or to abide the recklessness of others. I am alive. We are alive, still here, still breathing. We have a choice to make it a good or a bad time with what we have left. I want to embrace new adventures. I want to push outside my comfort zone. I want to make new friends.

I hope you do not hold any of this against me. I hope that you are not angry that I was so quiet leading up to this event – I have had other things on my mind lately. I will not bother you with my personal details. I am here now. You have my full, undivided attention. This could be my last match. It could be yours. Tomorrow either one of us could draw our last breath. Knowing what's coming does not help you cope with it any better, does it?

Even if it all ends, if this is to become the twilight hours of my career, I feel no shame in that. I do not chase unfinished business like a child, always grasping for more. I hunger, but I do not gorge myself. I embrace the future but I am happy to smell the roses, not rushing headlong into oblivion. There are things here I still need to experience. I have never been to Hawaii before. I have never seen a volcano. I have never swam in this water. So many things left undone. These are the things I would mourn if my existence was cut short. Not this business, even though it brought these magical things into my life. I have given my thanks. I have earned these rewards with my sacrifice, time and time again. I am not here to be your whipping dog. I am not here to fill a void, utterly dispensable and forgettable the moment it is done. I will leave my mark. I am doing this in ways you cannot possibly understand. 

I smile with my arms wide open, ready to take it all in. Here, in this place, I have never felt more necessary, more alive. At this moment, I am wanted. I am important. 

I am NEEDED.

This is enough.

It has to be, because nothing else matters more.